The Feathered Nest

Blech!

2012-01-09T12:26:00.002-02:00

I really hate being sick, but am thinking a sick day may not be all bad.
I don't feel well enough to clean the house, or get dressed for that matter.
But I do feel well enough to do my Bible study.
I think I can make a menu plan for the week. Maybe on that one. Food still doesn't sound so great.
I can definitely nap, and who doesn't love the chance to nap uninterrupted?
It isn't what I planned for today, but a day of rest is starting to grow on me.

A Moment In Time

2012-01-05T10:45:00.000-02:00

Random shots of the girls with no relevance, other than to remind me of what life in our home looks like right now. Someone is almost always jumping or tumbling, and when they do slow down, they are frequently loving on one of the puppies, who think they are the littlest sisters the girls never had.
Parenting 13 and 14 year old girls is challenging (as is every age!), but even more rewarding. They are so fun and full of life and laughter.
I feel like we are living on fast forward. Time- slow down!

Thankful for...
1. Being a Mommy
2. A husband who heats up my cozy and tucks me in when he is staying up late watching football
3. Parents who love to be with us and their grandchildren
4. The shakes that have helped me lose weight and have more energy
5. Each new day, even when it includes impatience and spilled cereal

Happy Days Are Here Again

2012-01-03T12:46:00.002-02:00

His mercies are new every day.

Praising God for that sweet truth, and choosing to dwell on it for 2012.

Each day, each moment is a gift that I am choosing to cherish, and not squander in "what if's".

I have allowed a fog of worry and unrest to dominate too much of my life lately, and God has shown me that He cannot move in my life when I am stuck in the quagmire of doubt.

My heart is filling again with the lightness of remembering He is good, always was, and always will be.

It Was a Very, Merry Christmas

2012-01-02T14:10:00.001-02:00

From a week in the mountains to a day with the Brammers in D.C.,

we enjoyed our Christmas break fully.

I have loved every minute of being with my family and off work.

So blessed.

Now to spend January settling into my intentions for 2012.

To (1) Seek God and (2) Be intentional.

Our First Homecoming

2011-10-10T15:45:00.001-02:00

It isn't every freshman whose Daddy is also attending the Homecoming Dance.

Not only was he there chaperoning, but he was the one opening the car doors and escorting the kids out. I soo wish I had a picture of that- this student took his breath away when he saw her.

My beautiful girl. I love that she wore the corsage on her arm instead of her wrist.

I think she started a trend at the dance!

Her best friend (boy wise, that is) who was sweet enough to escort her to homecoming when she decided she just wanted to go with a friend, and not one of the boys pursuing her. So much more fun, we thought! He loved (NOT) that people kept telling him he looked like Justin Bieber.

Practicing their moves!

Helping her with the corsage. What a gentleman!

This boy is everything a young man should be. I am so glad they are friends.

We made a last minute appointment to have her hair done, and I am so glad we did!
I never could have even attempted this!

The real Tam and Cailin!

As hard as it is to believe she has had her first homecoming, it was such a fun experience!

I loved shopping with her to pick out her dress, and then all of us going to help Tam get his clothes (his mother was recovering from surgery, so we got to fill in).

Teenagers are so fun and we had so many laughs together.

As much as I miss the days of little ones, these days are fun and special in a whole other way.

I am so blessed to be her Mommy and share these memories with her.

Intentional

2011-10-05T10:28:00.005-02:00

Turning 40 was such a turning point for me, as I evaluated where I was in life, and where I wanted to be. I recognized that one of the biggest frustrations for me is my lack of diligence in following through on tasks I set for myself, small and large. So for the past year and a half, I have been slowly but surely working to improve myself. Sometimes I see huge results, and other times it seems like I am a puddle of inactivity, stuck where I am.

So for the rest of October, I am going to journal here the baby steps I have taken to bring order to my life and home, and the efforts I am making to be better in all areas. This way I can look back and see my daily efforts, and hopefully accomplishments!

I sorted through all the cleats in the garage, cleaned them up, and sent them to school with Rusty for donation to The Boys and Girls Club.
Went online and checked the girls grades; a dreaded task that I usually procrastinate until it is too late to be of any benefit.
Recycled items I really just wanted to toss in the trash. Instead I took the time to remove the labels and rinse clean, before putting them in the recycling bin. (See? How pitiful is it that this is an accomplishment?)
Completed nearly all the items on my to-do list for work. It was so nice to start today not feeling like I am already behind.

All In

2011-09-27T15:37:00.002-02:00

My precious friend Amanda is one of those people who is "all in". Do you know what I mean? She is wholeheartedly a friend, wife, mother, Christian... whatever she does, she does it with all her heart. This can sometimes bring her grief, I think, because she realizes not everyone is who she thinks they are (been there, done that! I so identify with her!), but more often I think it blesses her. I know it blesses those who know her and are encouraged to see how she allows the Lord to guide her and her family. God tells us we are to love Him with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind. What better reminder is there, that we are to love Him and live "all in"?

So today as we were texting, I shared something with her that I often say to my girls, Cailin, in particular.

"You are the best You I know".

As soon as I said it, I realized it is one of those things I say so frequently, and yet don't always hear myself.

God created me to be who I am, always striving to be more like Him, sure, but inherently imperfect. He knew the struggles I would have, and He also provided me with the grace to be free of them in Him.

He wants me to be who I am, not a poor imitation of friends who seem to be so perfect and everything I desire. He wants me to be the best me I can be. It's enough. I don't need to hesitate or hold back, I can be all in, because I am the only one who can be.

So as I was trying to encourage a friend, I was blessed in return. Funny how God works like that.

Waiting For Easy

2011-09-16T11:05:00.000-02:00

I'm discovering that with parenting, it actually does get harder as they grow older. Sure, it's easier in the reduced physical demands; I'm no longer carrying a toddler or chasing a mischievous preschooler. But in the mental arena it is exhausting. I am racing to a finish line I don't want to cross, and as I protest the passage of time, I am expected to run this race with wisdom and the intent to win.

I constantly wonder if I'm doing the right thing, disciplining correctly or too strictly (or lenient, depending on the day). Am I preparing them to be good mothers and wives, to love God and to think of others? Or am I creating narcissistic over achievers, who will find their value in accomplishment or approval?

Am I showing them the way, or making them want anything but that which I teach? When do I intervene and when do I let them make their own way? What is right and what is fair? Does fair matter, or should I teach them to accept injustice. Aaagh... it is a never ending conundrum of decisions, and I feel perched on a tight rope of indecision.

Then, when I feel myself teetering, a friend prays and lets me know she understands. My Mom listens and validates my feelings. My Dad gives me a break from carpool and shows up with laughing, happy girls.

It is then that I hear God's still, quiet voice, reminding me that He is still here. The same God who carried me through colic and a host of other childhood maladies, is the same One who will get me through this. Not just endruing but prospering in His amazing will. His ways are good, He blessed me with the gift of mothering, and His grace is sufficient for each day and stage.

2011-08-28T09:46:00.001-02:00

Quiet, peaceful. Refrigerator humming and the clicking of my keyboard the only sounds, as the rest of the house slumbers on.

But it is more than the quiet of a house in solitude, it's a deeper peace, the calm of storms passed, and normalcy on the horizon.

This week was fraught with weather disasters, but they seemed perfectly symbolic for the upheaval in our home. Changing Cassidy's school at the last minute brought so much friction and stress, as we were already embarking on Cailin's first day of high school. Tension from work kept both Mommy and Daddy on the tips of our toes, and juggling everything threatened to break the dam of control I had a stranglehold on.

A never experienced earthquake shook our day, literally, and sent the week into a tailspin punctuated by a tropical storm and a hurricane. A week that I had planned to be calm and about back to school shopping became, instead, filled with shopping for emergency supplies and schedule changes, as schools closed or let out early.

It was just one of those weeks that felt emotionally charged and draining. But God.

God was with us, and instead of allowing the natural disasters and stress of every day life overwhelm us, He blessed us with time together, a home safe from the storms, and a weekend of calm as the storm raged on all around us.

Once again, God used this world to remind me of His blessing and protection in all things. He is always our calm in the midst of storms. We are not of this world and need not fret, but instead, run to Him as the skies turn black, knowing He has great beauty in store for us, if we weather all our storms in His safe harbor.

And They're Off!

2011-08-25T09:45:00.000-02:00

It never gets easier. Different, with each stage, but never easier.
I always reminisce and get weepy, they always mock me, "Mooom!".
Pictures in a hurry, as we scurry out the door, typically late already.
The hands I used to hold as we walked in the school, are now cradling a cell phone, pausing from texting long enough to smile for the obligatory pictures.
Backs bowed under the weight of backpacks and hair tossed back as they are oblivious to the ache in my heart.
Seemingly relaxed, nerves must be on edge, but excitement wins the battle of emotions.
Air kisses so I don't smudge lip gloss, and they are off.
One with Daddy, and the other, in a happy surprise, on the bus with her best friend. (SO glad to see Hannah this morning!)
Happy First Day of School Girls. I love you!

The Day Our World Was Shaken

2011-08-24T09:28:00.001-02:00

We had an earthquake yesterday.
Unusual when you live in Virginia!
It was a 5.9, and I truly never want to experience one bigger.
If you haven't been through one, trust me, they are scary.
Cailin and I were home alone getting ready to leave for her first high school (non scrimmage) game, when it sounded like helicopters were landing on our house.
The floor was shaking, and then I realized that instead of calming down it was growing in intensity.
I told her it had to be an earthquake, but I really thought maybe there was an explosion beneath our house or a plane was crashing into our home.
As I watched the windows and walls literally moving, I told her we needed to be in the tub (more used to tornadoes maybe?!) and waited it out with the puppies.
As soon as it calmed down we went outside and everything looked perfectly normal, sun shining, men working at the house across the street. So weird.
We called Daddy and found that we were 25 miles from the epicenter of an earthquake that stretched down the entire East coast.
Cassidy was at her first day of school and the desk she was in tipped over. She then hid under the teacher's desk, smart girl. Smarter than her Mama.
Papa was fishing in the mountains, and sitting in his car having lunch, when he felt his car being shaken back and forth. Thinking someone was hitting his car he was getting ready to jump out and confront them!
Nana was in a meeting at school, even closer to the epicenter, and they all fled the building.
Of course Daddy was at Spotsy getting ready for the first day and could barely walk across the room.
Such an exciting day!
Praising God for safety and protection.
And an extra day of summer, as schools are closed today. Woohoo!

She Knows Us!

2011-08-23T23:42:00.000-02:00

Quite possibly my favorite thing she has ever said,

as she bounded down the stairs into the family room,

"Hello, People who love me!

Truer words have not been spoken.

Go Knights!

2011-08-15T10:47:00.001-02:00

Cailin played in her first high school field hockey tournament Saturday.

She worked hard and gave it all.

Her efforts earned her a position on the varsity team.

As a freshman.

So proud of her hard work.

She's on the hop!

Love the hair in motion.

In step with Coach Baker.

What Summer Looks Like Around Here

2011-08-11T12:30:00.001-02:00

Saturday Morning

2011-08-06T12:03:00.000-02:00

Fernado Ortega on Pandora.

Sweet tea, followed by protein shake. (Weight, please come off...)

French doors open to allow the breeze from our deck to flow through.

In my cozy chair, surrounded by Bible study materials.

How blessed I am to have this Saturday morning.

Subdue

2011-08-05T10:39:00.000-02:00

I want to remember this word, and this day.

It isn't a word I would typically find appealing or relevant, but view instead as stifling the uniqueness in each of us.

I prefer seek and explore. Live loud. Find our special.

But today, God showed me, so sweetly, that those are all fine, but empty without a plan of order.

In Genesis 1:28 God commanded Adam and Eve to subdue the earth; to rule over it in such a way that it is not only mastered, but cultivated, nurtured, and brought to productivity.

What a perfect description of what we are to do for our children, to raise them to live in the gifts God placed in them. To embrace their true selves, the ones God desires them to be.

Today I commit to subduing, not stifling, but cultivating the beauty that is within each girl.

That is true creativity and freedom.

And So It Begins

2011-08-01T10:10:00.001-02:00

August 1
Official VHSL athletic sports practices begin.
All around Virginia high school athletes are suiting up for the first sanctioned practice of the 2011 season. (Conditioning goes on all summer).
Cailin is part of it for the first time, as a freshman.
Field hockey 7-11.
Long day.
Praying it is a good day.
Praying it is a good year.
Not sure how we reached this stage.
She is still just a baby, right?

Endings Bring Beginnings

2011-06-11T13:19:00.000-02:00

Last Walk Home From the Bus Together

Yesterday was the last day of school for the year. Typically a day I celebrate, because I love having my girls home, and the lazy days of summer together.

But this ending was bittersweet because it meant the end of middle school, another chapter ending, and goodbyes to be said.

The girls both came home with tear streaked faces. Cailin saddened as she prepares to leave her new friends to attend high school with her Daddy, instead of the school around the corner with her friends.

Cassidy broken hearted to learn that her best friend would be moving an hour away before they return for 7th grade.

Yet even as we grieve these losses, I have hope, knowing God is preparing the next step for them.

These changes are a reminder of God's great love for us, for we only mourn loss if we have first celebrated the gift.

So while I am sad to see the days of shared middle school evaporate, I am excited to see the great things ahead.

We are never free to receive, until we first let go, and so today I relinquish my strangle hold on the yesterdays and look forward to the tomorrows to come.

Enough About Me

2011-06-06T10:00:00.001-02:00

Watching in the rear view mirror, as the girls climbed on the bus this morning, was like an analogy of my life as their Momma.

Looking back at all we have done together, all that I wish I had done differently, all that slipped through my fingers no matter how hard I tried to hold on. They just keep climbing and growing, moving away from me without looking back.

It is good and right, my task is to prepare them to flee our safe haven and face the world. It just isn't easy.

I'm not ready for Cailin to head to high school. nor am I ready for her little sister to ride the bus alone, walking home from the bus stop solo, instead of head close to her sister's, giggling secret sister laughter as they head home to me.

I may not be ready, but they are, and once again, I am reminded that parenting is not about me.

Ears To Hear?

2011-06-01T09:31:00.000-02:00

It has been a quiet year for me, with not much to say.

After struggling with the decision of where to send the girls to school last fall, I felt drained, and spent most of the year trying to acclimate to a whole new world, awakening most mornings still questioning our choice. The girls jumped in to this new environment feet first, diving and splashing in the ocean of freedom and new friendships, while I waded along the shoreline, tentatively dipping my toes, but yearning for the safer pond we left behind.

New friendships were happily forged, and mornings were simpler as the girls eagerly got ready for the day. Evenings were spent relaxing instead of focused on hours of homework, and things were truly more peaceful, in so many ways.

Yet my heart still aches for the presence of God in their midst, cries out for Godly teaching and children from similar families. I know the platitudes, "as long as there are tests, prayer will always be in schools" and "God is always with our children, even in public schools", and of course I know He never, never leaves them. He certainly made the way for the ease of transition and the friends who welcomed them, I know His hand was on them every step of the way.

Yet I can't help but question if this was best. I know it was fine, and in many ways great, but was it best? As a parent I desperately crave giving the girls God's best for their lives. Was this really it? Did we hear Him? Has this year given them anything for their future faith? How has it shaped who they will be?

I still have more questions than answers. That's the hard part of parenting, we don't truly see the confirmed success of our task until they are adults, so it is easy to question and veer off our course along the way, but I trust that God has things under control. Even if we missed His plan, He uses all things for good.

So I continue to be quiet, and listen.

Sister Love

2011-05-09T22:26:00.000-02:00

It is so hard to make the girls come in to fold laundry.

They are giggling and tumbling on the trampoline,

and I love nothing more than for them to enjoy being together.

There is nothing like a sister,

except being the Momma to sisters.

That is pretty sweet, too.

Mother's Day 2011

2011-05-08T19:18:00.000-02:00

Mother's Day 2011

Dad and Rusty grilled steaks

and cleaned up.

One kitchen fire,

quickly extinguished,

but long to be remembered.

I love my family.

They give me gifts and a day of honor,

but I am the thankful one.

For such a gift to celebrate.

Motherhood.

Baby Girl

2011-04-26T17:49:00.000-02:00

Just a random shot,

taken backstage between performances of A Little Princess,

but it sums up Cailin perfectly.

I love this picture.

I love this girl.

How can she be in her last weeks of middle school?

She's still my baby girl.

Always and forever.

Easter Break 2011

2011-04-23T20:19:00.001-02:00

Banana Boat Ride

Pelicans Game

Before dinner with friends.

Miniature Golf at our favorite course ... despite the sudden chill. Brrr

Low country boil with friends.

Early morning sunrise.

Reminded me that just like the hidden sun, God is always there,

even when I can't "see" Him... was a powerful visual as I did my Bible study that morning.

Lovin' It!

2011-04-07T11:42:00.000-02:00

Today I am loving these things...

1. My Mom sneaking into my messy kitchen last night, and tidying it all up while I was with the girls at youth group. She knew I felt lousy and was dreading coming home to it.

2. Rusty getting the girls off to school while letting me sleep off my nyquil hangover. Seriously, sleep felt good, and so did an empty house when I awakened.

3. My 2 shih tzu co-workers, especially when they chase each other and make me laugh.

4. The fresh bouquet of tulips on the kitchen table that make me so happy. I have to figure a way to afford weekly fresh flowers, they add so much to a home.

5.Having the pass word to my 13 year old's facebook account, and hacking into it to delete comments I disapprove of. Along that tangent, do other parents not read the comments their kids leave on other pages? I check out all of Cailin's, and if she ever says anything I don't think needs to be broadcast to the internets I remove it. That has only happened once, but I see plenty of other things that parents either overlook or are oblivious to. Yikes, people! Step up your parenting game! OK, back to my happy place.

6. Paint colors spattered on my walls as I decide which to go with. My house is topsy turvy, but it is exciting to see progress. I love making our house our home.

This is the day that the Lord has made; I will be glad and rejoice in it!

A Little Princess

2011-04-01T09:49:00.001-02:00

CYT

Christian Youth Theater

We are so blessed to have this opportunity for the girls, to enjoy being a part of

quality theater in a Christian environment.

This was only the third time Cassidy has opted to do a show,

and I'm so glad she did. I loved seeing both girls on stage,

they just made me smile every time I saw them.

Daddy and his "seminary girls".

She was happy that she had a line in this show and got to wear a mic.

That is pretty much the goal of every girl in every show:-)

Daddy and Cailin, who played "Becky", the best friend of the little princess.

This was such a great role for her and really stretched her acting ability.

She was an orphan who works as a maid and it about broke her Daddy's heart to watch her;

she was very convincing and pitiful!

Nana always likes to see the last show,

even though she and Papa both had already seen it opening weekend.

The aftermath.

These are the boxes the girls carry to and from the show,

everyone has them,

and it is now a familiar sight to have these tubs full of shoes, misc clothes, notes, shoes,

perfumes, and occassionally food leftover from a forgotten lunch,

hanging out in my kitchen for days on end.

Eventually we will get motivated and cart them to the closet to wait for the next show.

Inside a box... jazz boots and tights.

There is usually an ipod or phone in there, as well, to occupy them on long rehearsal days when they aren't called. I remember when their boxes used to contain polly pockets.

Costume bags with the many outfits they wore, ready to go to the dry cleaners.

This is always what the house looks like for the week after, as we catch up on all the missed laundry and house cleaning that was neglected while we spent the past two weeks

preparing for and performing the 8 shows.

It is exhausting, consuming for the whole family, and expensive, but I wouldn't miss it for the world.

To Remember

2011-03-29T17:54:00.000-02:00

The Girls Winter 2011

Because I think I will always remember,

But I won't.

Hard

2011-03-28T10:40:00.000-02:00

Sometimes it is just hard.
I like things to be easy and happy, with everyone doing what they are supposed to, and with a good attitude to boot.
I don't want to have to check for texts that I wouldn't approve, or remind my daughter (again) that she isn't allowed to listen to that particular radio station.
I don't want to ground the other daughter for poorly spoken words to me, as I rush her through her morning routine... rushing only because I allowed her extra sleep after a long, full weekend.
I don't want to hear, as we pull out of the driveway, that one is out of lunch money and now will not have time to pay at the cafeteria. I will now need to pay it online, for a $2.50 fee. Fee to be paid this once, with grace, next time it will be her obligation.
I don't want to find wet towels on the floor, laundry outside the basket, or forgotten mugs of tea still on the vanity.
If I were doing this job, this mothering, "right", surely I wouldn't have to do these things. At least that is the lie I tell myself as I allow defeat to tire my soul.
But God.
God knows exactly what I need to hear. He knows I need a word of encouragement from another who has been there, who has doubted her abilities at this most important and all consuming task.
He knows I need a reminder that grace is needed for me and for them, my precious girls.
He knows that as much as I want todo this "right", I sometimes hide in books or screen time, escaping to images of beautiful homes and loving families. Seeking inspiration, yes, but in that journey missing beautiful moments of my own.
He knows what I need. I am so grateful that hard means worthy, and that nothing is too hard for Him.

Jeremiah 32:27
I am the Lord your God, the maker of all. Nothing is too hard for me.

Day Off

2011-03-25T14:58:00.001-02:00

The girls don't have school today so the teachers can tally their grades.
Perfect timing, as we have 4 more shows of "A Little Princess" this weekend, and we are all tired. Cassidy is under the weather... I never know if it is allergies or illness, but she perseveres, and I try to be patient to her grumblings.
We slept in, I've worked, done some Bible study, laundered the sheets, and now am tackling the girls bathroom... clutter be gone!
Nothing exciting, but a good day nonetheless.

A Moment In Time

2011-02-16T12:54:00.001-02:00

Focused, engaged, at peace, and oblivious to anything else.

This is how I want to be in God's Presence.

Absorbed by the moment.

Gratitude

2011-02-14T13:22:00.000-02:00

Thankful to be thankful, on this day of love, the Source of true gratitude.

love given and received
pink heart shaped pancakes with chocolate chips
pantry full, and a family to cook for
home full of peace, hard fought for and not taken for granted
rowdy breeze in the trees, spring in the air
hearts turning towards obedience
legs intertwined in sleep, security and assurance in the night
a date with my husband and grandparents to love the girls while we are gone
a house silent on a saturday morning, but for the furnaces constant breathing
music, always

17-26

Sunday Letters

2011-02-13T12:56:00.002-02:00

Once again I am joining in with Sunday letters to my family. Thanks for sharing this great idea, Deirdre!

Dear Cailin,

You have looked so grown up to me this week, especially with your hair curled and piled up on your head. I love seeing you grow, but oh, how I miss that chubby cheeked toddler who giggled and ran around the house in circles.

Driving you and your friends home from the movies Friday, it dawned on me that this is such a fleeting stage. I need to hold on to those loud giggles and singing (shouting?) from the back seat. Soon enough you will be driving your selves everywhere, and I will miss those conversations and laughter. Oh, sweet girl, I love middle school and don't want it to end! I'm so glad you were able to see the Justin Bieber movie, and tickled that we ran into Danie at the theater. What a bonus to add an unexpected friend to our numbers.

I love you and I love being with you.

Mommy

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Dear Cassidy,

Wow! You did it! You convinced us that we must have another dog, and Sadie will soon be sharing her princess throne with Mia! Thank you for your great attitude when asked to walk Sades. I know you really want to prove your responsibility to us, and we are thankful for your effort. Consider yourself warned- there will be lots more when Mia comes home- ha!

I loved seeing you work through your anger with Cailin this week. It has to be hard to be sisters so close in age with such different personalities. You both want to be best friends, but it's hard to remember that when fighting over the wii, or t.v., or hair accessories, or clothes, or the way you look at each other. Yikes! The song you wrote her is precious, and I love your willingness to share your heart with her. You amaze me, really, and I am so thankful God blessed me with you.

I love you sweet thing!

Mommy
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Dear Rusty,

I am so thankful things have quieted down slightly for you, even knowing it is the eye in the storm. God has brought me so much peace, and I hope you feel my support and pride.

Thank you so much for letting us add another dog. You absolutely spoil us all, and I love knowing that you would give us anything to make us happy. I hope you know we feel the same way about you!

I love that I left for the movies with 2 girls and arrived home with 5, and you didn't bat an eye, but just helped me tidy guest rooms and inflate air mattresses. Getting them all to rehearsal the next day on your own, while I went to buy the dog you don't even want, well that is above and beyond! You are a rock star Daddy. (I love the friends comment at breakfast that it was like being at a hotel... you do know how to put on a breakfast spread for your girls!)

Thank you for being such an amazing husband and Daddy. We love you!

Me

Bieber Fever

2011-02-11T10:39:00.000-02:00

Tonight I have a date with my two favorite girls (and a friend).

3-D glasses, popcorn, and possibly ear plugs.

I LOVE this age!

Unexpected

2011-02-10T13:58:00.000-02:00

Is there anything better than awakening to a surprise snow day?

I love unpredictability, so snow days are at the top of my list of happies in life.

Letting the girls sleep late while I enjoy unrushed Bible study and sweet tea is manna from heaven.

Rusty, knowing me, whispers softly as he leaves, "Snow Day. Go back to sleep, your tea is in the fridge."

He grins as if it is a gift he ordered just for me, and I know he would if he could.

Gifts everywhere, from the One Who can delight me.

And does.

Thankful

2011-02-08T11:11:00.000-02:00

He is here, always.
When silence answers my prayers it is me, not listening.
He is always speaking, in the whispers of blessing I too often overlook.
I want to hear Him.
Thanks comes first, opening the path so His voice carries clearly, resonating in my soul.

I am so grateful my life includes
sun filtering through the trees, a cozy fire, sweet tea
the hugs of a sleepy girl awakening, and the puppy who kisses my tears away
friends who pray and parents who cherish
comfy yoga pants, my favorite blanket, a singer who moves me to cry
soup simmering and a stocked pantry
a husband who loves me imperfectly, and a God who helps me forgive
laughter uproarious ,
early morning sunrise and a night sky filled with stars

Gratitude 1-16

Sunday Letters

2011-02-06T17:23:00.002-02:00

Dear Cailin,

Taking you to the AP Curriculum Fair at Daddy's school was full of so many emotions. Pride in you, sadness at the thought of you being a high school freshman, and excitement at this next phase of your life. Your Daddy was so proud to have you there, I thought he would burst!

We were both so impressed at the way you approached each teacher and introduced yourself. You really didn't need us there, and you were like a ray of sunshine to everyone you met. It seems like you just started middle school- I cannot believe this is your last year already, but you're ready and are going to soar. I know that.

Thank you for working so hard to be responsible and help more at home. I really appreciate it, and the humble way you receive discipline. You are a force to be reckoned with and I love seeing where God is taking you. I know it was hard to see people being unkind to daddy this week, and you were so quick to want to defend him. We love that loyalty- it is all that matters to your Daddy... the words of strangers can't touch him as long as he is still the hero of his girls.

I love you Sweet Girl. So much.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Cassidy,

Wow! You have the tenacity of a pit bull, and I love it! You found out that Sadie's daddy is for sale and are determined to have him. You have worked so hard to show us how responsible you are, that you have almost convinced us, although I probably shouldn't tell you that! I love the little notes you leave for us around the house, and my favorite from this week was finding a note under my pillow, attached to a packet containing all your money that said, "This is for Lucas. But if we can't have him I want it back!". Cracked me up!

You are such a sweet girl, and have the tenderest of hearts. I know you sometimes struggle with controlling your words, and I have seen you try harder than ever this week. I am so appreciative of the effort required to "tame the tongue". It isn't easy for any of us and I am so proud that you want to be better. I know God will honor your desire.

Thank you for loving your Daddy so much and wanting to defend him. Know that he doesn't care what anyone else thinks, as long as his family is proud of him, and you certainly proved that devotion this week. Thank you for loving him and encouraging him.

I love you Little Bit!
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Dear Rusty,

I love you.

I am proud of you.

You are exacly where you are because it is God's desire. Few men could make the impact on kids lives that you do, and keep the insane schedule that you do, without complaint. You never rest on your last achievement but are always reaching for the next best thing for the kids and teachers in your school.

This week has probably been the single worst week you have ever endured, and yet you did so with grace and humility, and were such an example to our girls. You don't deserve what you have been faced with, and the girls and I have tried to temper our anger with the knowledge that God is with you, and He has your best interests at heart. He will fight on your behalf, so we don't have to.

This whole experience has been eye opening as I see the craziness that is part of your daily life, and I will say for the millionth time, "I would NEVER do what you do". I'm glad you do, however, and are passionate. Your 15 minutes will soon be up, and we will be able to laugh at the absurdity. I hope you know, though, that your family and those who know you will always support you.

It is an amazing feeling to know that I am married to a man who is 100% willing to do the right thing, even at the expense of popularity, and even when you are going to have to stand alone. You are a shining example to our girls of everything a man of character is.

I love you and am so honored to be your wife.

Sunday Letters

2011-01-31T09:48:00.001-02:00

I always enjoy the letters Deirdre writes her girls each Sunday, summarizing the week, and have decided to join her in this new series. The days fly by in a blur, so I am hoping this will be a good reminder of what filled those days, or at least what I was thinking as they passed me by.

Dear Cailin,

I am so proud of you as you have really worked hard this week to be responsible in your schoolwork. You have faced some challenges at youth group and praise team, and I'm sorry for the pain it has caused you, but I'm so grateful that you will share your heart with me.

We had so much fun last weekend at Great Wolf celebrating your birthday, and hearing you say it was your favorite birthday ever made it all worthwhile to me. I love you and I love your friends, and I want to be better about giving you opportunity to spend time with them.

I love you so much Doodles, and pray this week is full of the joy you bring to the world.

Love, Mommy

Dear Cassidy,

You really tried to be more cheerful in the mornings this week, and I appreciate your effort... you get your dis-like of mornings from me, so I understand the struggle. However, your bickering with your sister nearly made me want to snatch myself bald. Have mercy! I am hoping this week involves us getting out the door without me screeching and then lecturing all the way to the bus stop.

I loved seeing you spend time with a new school friend and hearing your giggles; girls are so fun!

I love you Little Bit. I can't wait to see what this week brings.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Rusty,

Thanks for working with me.

I feel like we are becoming a better team, and I'm so thankful for everything you do. You really are Superman.

I love you,
Me

As I have written this the girls have gotten into a dispute over clothes and I am ready to go back to bed and hide. Ugh! Maybe tomorrow morning will be peaceful?

Peace Comes Down

2011-01-28T11:30:00.001-02:00

Unexpectedly, snow is falling again.
The weathermen didn't predict it, so I almost didn't believe my eyes.
I guess God doesn't need their forecasts to do His bidding.
I am so thankful for this cozy and peaceful start to the day.

Snow

2011-01-27T21:22:00.000-02:00

This time yesterday we were thankful to be home; having driven treacherous roads home from Cailin's voice lesson, in the the snow that had started suddenly and furiously.
The chili had been simmering in the crockpot all afternoon, and Rusty built a roaring fire once he finished filling up the snow blower, preparing it for early morning duty.
We ate by the fire, watching a movie and napping, then let the girls have a sister sleepover in Cassidy's room.
Rusty was so sweet to blow up the air mattress so they each had their own space, and pulled the extra electric blanket out so Cailin was toasty on the blown up bed.
Sadie nestled in with her, and we were out for the night.
An evening that had been scheduled for a late night at school for Daddy and youth group for the girls and I turned into a lazy night together at home.
I love snowy evenings and the peace they insist on bringing.

Girls Are Fun

2011-01-24T12:33:00.003-02:00

We celebrated Cailin's 13th birthday, by going to Great Wolf Lodge, with her sister and best friends this weekend.
Her birthday was last May. Timely, hm?
Actually, it only happened as the result of my resolution to be more intentional this year.
Life slips away if we don't plan, if we don't "just do it".
So we did, and it was a blast!
More for the girls than me, honestly, because who likes being awakened at 2 a.m. by a cell phone ringing (Cassidy rolled over on it and it started playing some ridiculous ring tone. I wasn't the nicest at the moment, but in the morning it was pretty funny.), and a bathing suit in February is cruel if you aren't 13.
Despite the lack of sleep and humiliation of my tankini, I really enjoyed the time anyway.
I loved listening to the whispers and giggles, and observing the dynamics of 12 and 13 year old girls.
I was grateful for a husband who gave me an envelope of cash and didn't complain, despite the fact that January is the TIGHTEST financial month we have.
I was blessed to spend hours of mostly uninterrupted time poolside, reading a book on fasting and , when my brain was overloaded, the latest Southern Living.
I even learned to let teenagers be teenagers and stop harping at them about their cocoa puffs battle, one that netted me a few chocolate puffs of my own.
The girls enjoyed some alone time in the teen hangout and arcade, and I got plenty of exercise hiking from our room to those same locations so I could surreptitiously peek in and see for myself that they were safe.
Most importantly, they enjoyed the gift of time together. And lots of junk food.

The Girls

2011-01-10T15:54:00.003-02:00

Back In The Saddle

2011-01-03T11:29:00.000-02:00

Operating on not enough sleep, I feel like our first morning back in routine was better than expected.
Two girls to school, on time, check.
One dog walked, check.
Dishwasher emptied and reloaded, check.
Beds made, check.

Now to tackle the to do list that I have been ignoring for 2 weeks.

Happy Monday!

Overly Ambitious?

2011-01-01T22:38:00.000-02:00

I love, love, love a new year and the anticipation of what is to come.
A brand new planner, a clean home after the Christmas decorations have been put away, and the hope of cozy days inside inspire me to create not only resolutions, but a hefty "to do" list as well.
So here's what I am aiming for this year:

More reading of books and less of blogs.
Being intentional about my time and efforts.
Eliminating excess, from stuff to obligations to relationships.
Adding scripture memorization to my daily Bible study.
Seeking opportunities to reach out to others.
Blessing my daughters with more responsibility around the house.
Organizing photos and videos.
Playing more games as a family.
Painting, purging, and creating window treatments.

Oh, I guess I should add lose weight, be more active, and drink more water. Because those are a given, right?

Better Than Good

2011-01-01T11:57:00.000-02:00

It's funny. When I try to be objective and detail some hard things that happened in 2010, I can't. I just can't do it.
Not because 2010 didn't hold its share of disappointments, misunderstandings, and really hard moments, but because even in the less than stellar hours, I truly feel blessed to live each new day.
I know I am a glass half full kind of girl, but it isn't because I am in denial.
Rather, it is because I know that my God has good things planned for me, and the hard times? Those are bumps in the road; they don't define where I am going or who I am, they are just that, bumps that try to knock me off course, but can't succeed if I keep my eyes focused on the One Who guides me.
I admit, there are moments when I allow my focus to be on those obstacles, and I pout and question, sometimes even having a full blown pity party for me or my family.
But then, I think of all the blessings that God has lavished on me, and I realize those difficulties are minuscule in the shadow of the One Who created the world. His hand is still not waxed short, He still sits on His throne, watching and leading.
So my hope for 2011 is that I would choose to trust Him even more, and that my moments of doubt and fear would vanish in a cloud of faith.
Happy New Year!

So this is Christmas

2010-12-21T09:46:00.000-02:00

i have been silent with not much to say but lots on my mind.
i have tried to be intentional this season and keep the focus on Jesus.
it has been so much more peaceful yet i still struggled with overdoing the shopping.
baby steps.
maybe next year we can tone even that aspect down.
it is hard to find a happy medium but i am determined.
we leave tomorrow for a week in the cabin, tucked in the woods with nothing to do except enjoy one another.
i have a lot to do today before we are ready to go.
Merry Christmas.

home sweet home

2010-11-19T20:42:00.000-02:00

i was gone all week on business. this is the first time I have ever gone overnight, so i am thankful for that.
i don't plan on doing it again.
turns out I am a homebody.
it was almost worth it for the huge hugs Cassidy gave me when i returned.
she is rather stingy with her hugs typically, so this was clearly a treat born of absence.
hotels, even nice ones with down comforters and soft towels, are very lonely.
cookies in the lobby by the fireplace every evening helped.
as did facebooking with my 13 year old at home in her cozy bedroom.
i corrected her on something she wrote (privately) and told her i was always watching her. haha. loved that!
she still wrote back that she loved me. she is a good girl like that.
my baby turned 12 last weekend and i still haven't been able to write about it, but i will.
i love her so much and want her to stay small.
she does too, which stole my heart!
the dog won't leave my side, i guess she missed me too.
it is so, so good to be home. to have a home. to have a family.
God has burdened my heart for orphans recently. i'm not sure what this is leading to, but i want to obey.
i wish everyone had a home and family.
it's good to be back.

Questioning

2010-11-11T11:38:00.000-02:00

i seem to be questioning everything lately.
not my beliefs, but how they are lived out, and represented in the choices and associations we make.
maybe this is the result of making a radical (for our family) change.
maybe it is that, because of our obedience to make that change, God has taken off our blinders and blessed us with deeper insight in other areas.

i don't know why, but i do know where.

in youth group when cailin shares the lesson and something in it resonates a warning in my soul.
in a group of christian girls who quote scripture yet blatantly travel as an exclusive clique.
in manipulative statements written on facebook.
in the lessons taught our youth leaning heavily on do's and don'ts, and less on why.
in lives so full of normal there is little time for extraordinary.

i am questioning... knowing the answers will come.

i don't know when, but i do know from Where.

Tuesday Thoughts

2010-11-09T11:27:00.000-02:00

Waking up with the same migraine that sent you early to bed last night will inspire a very unique dog walking outfit. Bra optional being the scariest part of the get up.
Home made soup in the fridge, to quickly warm up, makes almost anything better!
I am married to the most generous and selfless person I know.
I don't like it when my girls are sick, but I do love taking care of them.
Penguin cool mist humidifiers from Target are fun.
I think I have decided to wrap all our Christmas presents in brown kraft paper this year.
Today is my Mom's birthday. I love her so much, even though we are very different. The fact that she always celebrated my uniqueness from her, instead of feeling offended, is one of her best mothering qualities, and one I try to share in my own parenting. She really is amazing... flexible, fun, and way cooler than I am or ever was.
Our house is finally starting to feel like our home, after nearly 2 years. I think I am a slow adaptor, maybe.
My baby turns 12 Saturday. It doesn't seem possible.
We have officially begun playing Christmas music.

It is going to be a great day, just because it is a gift to be alive.

Not Counting Shopping Days

2010-11-08T10:43:00.000-02:00

I planned to do this study last year, "Preparing My Heart for Advent" by Ann Marie Stewart , in an attempt to return my thoughts to the real meaning of Christmas, and not just the mile long shopping list I faced. Unfortunately, busy-ness won, and so I shelved it in anticipation of studying it this year.

So I am excited to begin, this morning, to prepare my heart for Advent... to think on things other than shopping and decorating, and pray that this season will truly be one which I remember for more than the gifts under the tree.

His

2010-10-19T10:43:00.003-02:00

I was just thinking.

They really are His.

As Christians, we all say that, believing it, since He said it.

But today, I felt it.

Really felt that they are Someone else's,

and I am just taking care of them for a while.

Am I speaking to them in the way that He would desire?

Are the decisions I'm making for them according to His will?

Is what I am doing pleasing to Him?

But then, I felt the gratitude of knowing,

in a wave of comfort and peace,

that He is always steering me in the right direction.

That He chose me to be their Mom.

That He will give me everything I need.

He is.

Not only am I their Mommy, but still His child as well.

He has us covered, all of us.

Cook's Country

2010-10-08T10:21:00.001-02:00

I love this magazine!

They test standby recipes (as well as local specialties) and perfect them,

making them delicious and also easy and fast to prepare.

Apparently there is also a show on PBS,

which I haven't seen.

But I will be looking for it.

Especially since it is filmed on this farm, in this house.

Is this not a dream home, or what?

Apparently this farm still has a few cows and a dairy barn.

Not too many years ago, when it was a 200 acre working farm,

they used to drive the cattle down the main street from the pasture

to the barn for milking.

Doesn't that sound enchanting?

Of course in today's world we would all be so impatient to get

where we were going, that the inconvenience

of waiting for the cow parade to pass

would be intolerable.

I miss those slower days.

Trivial Pursuits

2010-10-07T10:39:00.000-02:00

Cailin ate her breakfast at the kitchen counter while Cassidy primped her hair in the bathroom mirror.

We had 10 minutes until I needed to start barking out orders and rushing everyone to the bus, so it was the perfect time to steal away to my office for a few minutes of facebook and blogging.

After a few minutes I felt convicted that these free moments are precious and few, and would be better spent with the girls instead of on the computer, so I immediately popped up the stairs to the kitchen.

As I topped the stairs and could see Cailin's stool, it was bare. She wasn't there any more, she had wandered off in my absence.

The image of the dimmed kitchen, empty now, hit me with an almost physical force. She was gone, and I had missed her.

For the moment she was just down the hall, but too soon, she will be in a dorm or a home of her own, with Cassidy soon to follow, and my kitchen will be empty every day.

I know that God chose to use this morning to speak to me, to remind me of what is truly important, and where my time is to be spent.

The days are fleeting, and as endless as some of them seem, that is an illusion. I want to make better choices, I want to be present, I don't want to miss those moments that may be no more than filling a milk glass, because no matter how trivial, they are with the ones I love.

There is nothing trivial about that.

The Good Life

2010-10-06T10:40:00.001-02:00

I'm not really a fan of the morning.

Actually, I love mornings once I am awake,

it's just the waking up part

that I struggle with.

So this morning, when Rusty's alarm went off at 5:20

it was very out of character for me to hop out of bed

and get started with the day.

I popped a load of laundry in the dryer ,

(at 10:00 last night I realized Cailin's PE uniform needed to be washed)

put the tea kettle on to boil

so the girls could have their hot cocoa and tea,

and then started folding the towels that had been blocking

the door to the laundry room for a few days.

Or maybe for a week.

I opened the blinds, made the bed,

and then enjoyed a leisurely time of prayer and journaling.

Mundane or not, as I bustle around the kitchen,

prepping a roast for the crock pot and sorting out the pantry,

I feel so blessed that I get to be the one doing this for my family.

Cooking, cleaning, and washing out PE uniforms aren't glamorous,

but knowing I will always have things taken care of for the girls,

and that home is here ready for their return,

is a reassurance that is priceless.

I think glamour must be over - rated, anyway.

I love 13

2010-09-23T18:14:00.000-02:00

Only a 13 year old would talk on her cell phone while jumping on the trampoline.

I love this age.

The Really Bad Before

2010-09-21T18:59:00.002-02:00

When we looked at this house over a year ago, we fell in love with the neighborhood and the woods surrounding us. The high ceilings and beautiful trim work captivated Rusty, and even though we recognized that a lot of the house wasn't our style, we weren't scared of the challenge.

We love renovating and putting our stamp on our home, and with my ideas and Rusty's effort, we're a great team. (Yes, he insists that a paintbrush fits my hand, too, but let's not test that theory, 'kay?)

As we toured the main level I saw changes I would want to make, but nothing that prepared me for what I would want to do when I saw the master bath...

Yes, that is an extremely narrow door, and no, we aren't abnormally narrow people!

However, that is probably a good thing because we certainly never wanted to go through that door to the moldy interior, blech! You can't see the "best" part, which is the black and pink flowered powder room, which really sets off the mauve toilet and tub. I told Rusty it takes a real man to use a pink potty!

Everywhere we looked there were different, albeit consistently ugly, finishes that led me to nick name the bathroom the "train wreck".

But we agreed that we could do ugly for a while, and boy did it qualify, so we have been living with the pink and gray, and schlepping our toiletries down the hall to the girls bathroom for showers while we saved and dreamed. Hallelujah, the time has come and Momma is gonna get a new bathtub! We are a few weeks into our reno, and I am beginning to have hope that I may shower without looking like a college coed one day soon.

Nothing, But It Was Good

2010-09-21T00:08:00.000-02:00

Tonight was filled with nothing. I got home late and found Papa and the girls relaxing in the basement, with Cassidy making paper beads and Cailin sniffling through the cold she has been fighting since Saturday.

After a 2 1/2 hour drive home, which fell on the heels of a 3 hour meeting, which had been preceded by a 2 1/2 hour drive there, I was a tad bit ~~lazy~~ sleepy, and ever so grateful for the white chicken chili in the crockpot. I kissed the girls, heard some stories about bus and boys drama (one and the same... life lesson 12,001... when one boy tells another boy that you like him, boy #1 really likes you and is testing the waters), and crashed for a few minutes to read email and blogs.

Cailin joined me while I cleaned the kitchen and shared more about her day and her school work, or lack of it, which is an entirely other post. Cassidy had expanded her paper bead jewelry making to head bands and came upstairs to snatch a few old ones for her efforts, and Cailin and I snuggled on the sofa. I didn't enjoy seeing her under the weather, but took full advantage of the cuddles resulting.

A load of towels in the washer, supplements doled out (and then again when Cailin tried to pass hers off to her sister), cough medicine given and Vick's salve rubbed in, and we were off to bed. Prayers, giggles, hugs and kisses, a few more sniffles from Cailin and an extra kiss from Cassidy, and the night is done.

An evening filled with absolutely nothing, and yet one that filled my heart.

Cozy Fall Evenings

2010-09-14T01:06:00.000-02:00

This Weekend I...

2010-09-13T13:42:00.000-02:00

Enjoyed catching up with friends, while our children auditioned for A Christmas Carol.
Spent a Friday night at home doing very little beyond reading decorating blogs.
Enjoyed the beautiful fall weather at our annual day of Nascar, at the Richmond Races with some of our favorite friends. The people watching cannot be surpassed and is one of the highlights of my year. This time was no exception as the "shirtless cowboys" tailgating next to us decided to lasso one another. Have mercy!
Watched the girls jump for hours on the trampoline Daddy and Papa set up Saturday morning.
Underestimated the physical ability required to remain standing on a trampoline when 2 monkeys are jumping and doing their best to terrorize their mother. Laughed hysterically at the image I must have made.
Spent some quality time at Home Depot looking for tubs and tile for our bathroom renovation.
Read "The Fixer Upper" by Mary Kay Andrews in guilt free peace, since Rusty was in the mood for delivery pizza for dinner. Not cooking Sunday dinner is a rare treat and great ending to the weekend.

Hold On Tight

2010-09-07T10:31:00.000-02:00

I love this hug. Sums up everything I think sisters should be about.

It reminds me of the way I am clinging to God right now, as I process

the changes I hadn't foreseen in our family.

I love knowing that He is holding on to me just as tightly,

and He promises never to let go.

Joy Comes In The Morning

2010-08-27T11:19:00.000-02:00

Today when I awakened, I felt it. That first sparkling glimmer of hope breaking through the bleak despair that has held my hand these past weeks. A sense of "me" struggling, as if swimming through deep water, trying to break the surface and reach the luminous light at the top. Yet I realize it isn't me who is breaking free, it is the Holy Spirit in me, acting as lifeguard, carrying me to safety while I rest easily in His arms, passively watching to see where He is taking me.

I know now that it will be ok, this new place I am journeying to. It will be better than ok because He orchestrated it, He planned it, and He has been so eager to show me this new place. The wailing and gnashing of my teeth as I fought Him on this voyage didn't alter the course or make Him doubt his plan, rather it saddened Him that I was missing out on the great things He was taking me to. He wanted me to celebrate, and instead I chose to doubt and wonder, making comparison instead of looking with expectancy .

I asked Him to make me different. I asked Him to show me the best for my family, to draw us to Him and to seek Him desperately. And then I thought He misunderstood. His directions were not what I asked for, this must be a test. If I passed, He would set us back on the better course, the one which makes sense to me. But then, He spoke, and finally, I listened. The quote that has been on my sidebar for over a year, has been waiting patiently for the day I would read it with an open spirit, and know I had received my answer.

"When you and I desire God's best for us, but become annoyed when He steps in to change the course of our lives, we rebel against the very thing we prayed for." Priscilla Shirer

First Day Of School

2010-08-26T10:04:00.000-02:00

The girls are ready for their new adventure! I'm not, but I am not known for my love of change. Deciding to leave our Christian school the night before school started was the hardest decision of our life. Praying God has an amazing plan for them and trusting Him to lead us where we never planned to go.

Topsy Turvy

2010-08-21T00:13:00.000-02:00

I feel like I am in a dream in Alice In Wonderland, nothing is as it should be. We aren't going to the Christian school we have attended for 8 years, but instead are going to a public school we never even considered until 2 weeks ago, and I am hearing people say the very things I myself said for years, now in shock and disbelief.

For example, Rusty's high school played our former (as of yesterday!) Christian school tonight. It was surreal. Yesterday Cailin was a cheerleader for that school, and today her team mates were texting her messages of anger at her abandoning them. As we chatted with friends, one of the students said "Jesus loves you" to the public school players, as if this was a foreign concept that only Christian school kids would know. Yuck! Double yuck! I saw football players scoffing at some of the kids from the other school, in a superior attitude not Christlike at all. My heart hurts at the reality that the utopia I imagined was a farce, an illusion I created to make myself feel I was doing the absolute best I could do for the girls, when in fact, kids are kids everywhere, and unfortunately, many in private schools are elitist Christians- an oxymoron if I ever saw one. I am so ashamed that I may have shared that false pride in their school, so ashamed!

Rusty welcomed the visitors to his (public and rural) school, and even took free popcorn over and passed it out in the stands. I was so proud of him, and felt like a breath of fresh air filled my spirit. He was living his faith instead of talking about it. In that moment I realized, no matter how hard and no matter how alone I may feel, we made the right choice. God is NOT only in Christian schools, but He is most definitely ONLY in Christians, wherever they may be.

Father God, please forgive me for my prejudices and preconceived notions. Cleanse my heart and soul, and bless my girls wherever they go, that they know You are with them and guiding them.

Never Say Never

2010-08-18T23:53:00.000-02:00

Tomorrow is the first day of school. Except we won't be there. The girls friends have been called, and told the news that they won't be there in matching outfits after all, because they are going to go to public school. For the first time ever... for middle school.

This was never my plan. Never our plan. Yet here we are. I have to believe it is God's plan, and that means it is better than we could have hoped or imagined.

I hope so.

No Matter What

2010-08-10T09:35:00.000-02:00

I'm discovering that it's easy to feel peace and joy when things look like they are going according to my plan.
I don't mind "relinquishing control" when God seems to be leading in the direction I would like to go.
I love my husband being the leader of my home, when he makes the choices I would like to make.
But I'm not quite sure what to do when the answers start looking like "no".
When do I continue to pray and believe, knowing in my heart the desires there were planted there by God?
When do I let them go, knowing He gave me a husband to protect and guide me, and who would never make a decision that wasn't in our family's best interest?
I cling to the knowledge that God is for me, and so I will trust in hope, no matter what.

Will They Ever Stay Home Again?

2010-08-09T11:12:00.000-02:00

Cailin in her first cheer uniform,

getting ready to leave for a week of camp.

I'm so proud of her for trying out for the jv squad, as an 8th grader,

and making it even though it was her first time cheering.

I hope she has a great week with her friends

and learns all kinds of new techniques.

However, I did mention to her that if she wanted to

stand off to the side and just applaud her teammates,

instead of being a "flyer" I would be totally ok with it:-)

To add insult to injury, while she is at camp

Nana and Papa are taking Cassidy camping,

so I am, once again, home without my girls!

Oh, well, it gives Rusty and I the opportunity to clear out the

basement so we don't look like we belong on Oprah as hoarders!

Colossians 3

2010-07-27T10:40:00.000-02:00

I may be the last to notice this, but Colossians 3 is like a hand book for the family. It is so powerful I have started reading through it each morning during my devotions, to encourage me and remind me of what God expects of me.
Today this verse really spoke to me...
Colossians 3:15: Let the word spoken by Christ have its home and dwell in you in all its richness, as you teach and admonish and train one another in all insight and intelligence and wisdom (in spiritual things, and as you sing) psalms, making melody to God with His grace in your hearts.

To Do

2010-07-23T12:24:00.001-02:00

I love lists.

I love writing my "to do" list for the day, and then checking off each item as it is completed.

I also love to keep my lists, and look back at them. It's reassuring, really, to see that I actually am accomplishing things in my days and not just spinning my wheels, as it often seems.
Lately I have been carrying a spiral bound journal that I found on clearance at Pier One. It has a fun cover and smooth pages. (I'm a stickler for the feel of paper to write on, as well as the pens I use. Quirky much?)
I am loving it because I can look back and see exactly what was going on in our life at that time, and it brings back such sweet memories.

"Take Cailin's costume to the cleaners", immediately takes me back to those fun and crazy days when she was performing as Little Alice" in "Alice In Wonderland" last fall. She grew in her confidence so much in that role, and had such sweet times with her cast mates.
In another, older, book I found names and numbers of cardiologists, written in a shaky hand and with lots of nervous doodles. I remember making those notes as we decided on the surgeon who would do my Dad's triple bypass. I remember every detail of that day, the light in my office, the way I was sitting with feet up on the desk, crying intermittently as I researched his condition and spoke to physician's offices. Now it is a testimony to God's grace and healing hand as we celebrate the two year anniversary of his restored health. (Praise God!)

Another page mentions mundane tasks like trips to the library, returns to make, and items to pick up at the grocery store. People to call and school parties to plan fill a corner of another days notes, and reminders to record my debit receipts show up on nearly every days agenda.

It's interesting that when I make these lists it really is just a way to keep me focused and on track in the hectic days that are our life. They are generic things that every mother in America is doing, nothing special, yet when I look back at them, they have the added bonus of memory attached to them. They are our life on paper. Memories of those tasks hold deep emotions as they are less a reflection of what I needed to do, and more of what God has done.

What a tangible reminder that no matter what I have to do, I know God will be the One to get it done.

Whispers

2010-07-22T09:46:00.000-02:00

If you ask God to speak to you, He will.

But be ready, because there is no greater thrill

than hearing Him address the very thing you have prayed for.

The challenge is to be still and hear, and then to step out and obey.

I love the adventure that is life in Him.

A Cross Roads

2010-07-21T11:32:00.000-02:00

I am so blessed to be their mother.

Am I doing this most important job justice?

I make sure they have all the necessities and shuttle them, gladly, to their many activities.
I make their meals and welcome their friends. I tuck them in and wake them for breakfast.
As we go about our days, I sneak in tidbits of wisdom regarding friends and life, and pray that it settles into the crevices of their hearts.
Yet this morning, as I look at our time together as a family, I feel that I'm missing something. Something unidentifiable yet critical.
I feel like there are desires God has planted in my heart that I have ignored because of the sacrifice they would require.
I am afraid of rocking the boat, of fighting for something I'm not even 100% certain I should be seeking anyway.
I weigh the "what ifs", and fear making wrong decisions and having to live with the consequences.
I worry about being alone in my beliefs in a situation that desperately cries out for unity.
I am seeking, but I'm not brave enough to take the first step.
My greatest fear is missing the opportunity and blessing because of indecision.
My faith is tested.

It's All Good

2010-07-20T09:24:00.000-02:00

Preparing for tomorrows meeting with a client.

A physical for camp and the dreaded 6th grade shots.

Picking up Cailin's cheerleading uniform and dropping off her 8th grade class requests.

Emptying leftover boxes from our move, 15 months ago.

Purging toys that have remained untouched since being unpacked.

Reminding myself to see the blessing, even in a mundane day.

(View of Jordan Pond in Acadia National Park)

Good Answer

2010-07-19T20:06:00.001-02:00

She is hanging with Nana and Papa today while I work.
Daddy just got a call that she is going to Petco with Nana.
He asked her why she was going to Petco.
Her answer?
"Because I can."

Well when you are with Nana
I guess that answer applies to most questions, now doesn't it?
(This picture doesn't really have anything to do with shopping with Nana,
but it's one of the few she allowed us to take with me loving on her, so I had to include it.
This was on our "Old Fashioned, Family Fun Vacation to Maine". We had stopped at
a road side area to picnic in New Hampshire.)

My Sunshine

2010-07-19T14:56:00.001-02:00

"You are my sunshine, do you know that?".
I say this to her at least once a day, every day, and it's true.
She's always good for a hug, and always has a ready smile.
We dropped her off at camp yesterday, and I am already counting the days until my next hug.

(Cassidy is also counting the days, since she is not such a hugger,
and is getting twice her share until her sister comes home!)

Date Night

2010-07-15T19:13:00.000-02:00

I am so thankful to parents who love spending time with their granddaughters, and encourage Rusty and I to have date nights.

Mom spent the day watching the girls while I went to Richmond for meetings, and then took them to tumbling, where she is undoubtedly watching through squinted eyes. Cailin is learning to do back hand springs and Nana is not a fan of anything that involves feet leaving the ground. In fact, she already explained to Cailin that she may not ever see her performing with her cheer leading squad this year since she is a "flyer", and that requires Nana to spend extra time in prayer. Therefore, whenever she is performing Cailin shouldn't be surprised to see Nana's eyes closed. Cailin just laughs. She knows her Nana. Nothing surprises her.

After tumbling they are off to Nana and Papa's house for a sleepover, and Daddy and I have the night to ourselves. Some sweet neighbors blessed us with a gift card to a favorite restaurant, and after dinner we are debating a movie or perusing the aisles of Home Depot for items for our upcoming bathroom renovation. (Praise the Lord. No man should have to endure pink fixtures for over a year. Rusty has paid his dues!) I am voting for Home Depot and a Redbox movie at home.

As I plan our evening I'm thinking Rusty is a lucky man, if I say so myself. Between the gift card and $1.00 movie, I am one cheap date... and willing to price potties to boot! I'm pretty lucky, too, though... having an evening to just hang out together is truly priceless.

He Rocks Our World

2010-07-14T18:55:00.000-02:00

The girls and I are so thankful for this guy.

He was especially handy on vacation.

He was our back pack wearing super hero and carried our pursess

(and snacks and water!) everywhere. The girls loved it (NOT!) when he and I sang the Dora song "Backpack, backpack" before every excursion.

I love him even when he sees me approaching with another "BE CAREFUL" warning,

and pushes our daughter off the rock she is standing on,

(which I happened to think was on the edge of the cliff )

He thinks he is sooo funny. I do too, in spite of myself.

I love him because he is game for anything and poses for

silly pictures.

I love the way he is truly present when he is with us, and involved with the girls.

He works hard and has long days,

but when he is home with us he is a part of whatever we are doing and not distracted.

I love the fact that he has no pride and will pose with his dinner for me.

Better yet, I love that he shared it!

Back To Reality

2010-07-12T10:54:00.000-02:00

Two weeks with my family was a dream come true.
Today I am back to work, and even though I am looking forward to hearing from my clients, nothing will replace the pure joy I felt each morning I was off, knowing that the only people counting on me were my girls and husband.
What a gift that was, and one that has left me feeling changed, somehow.
The peace of the New England landscape seemed to fill up something in my spirit that I never knew was empty.
The rugged coastline and its roaring silence...there was no sense of urgency or of rushing from one task to another.
For the first time in my life slowing down seemed like a good thing.
I don't want to go back to the way things were, yet I don't know how my days will be different.
I just know this time away and this trip was good, it was a gift from God, and I want this peace to linger.

Hope

2010-05-26T09:25:00.000-02:00

I want a do-over.

I want to have patience with Cailin when she can't find the jeans that "don't make her butt look funny"...I want to be calm with Cassidy when she is being disrespectful in her speech to me...I want to wake up early enough to pray before the girls are up so I will have a reserve of grace to draw from...I want to remember that this is only one morning of chaos and not an indictment of my parenting, or representative of every morning to come.

Tomorrow will come, and there will be my chance for a do-over.

Thank You Lord that your mercies are new every morning.

Stages

2010-05-25T13:58:00.000-02:00

I love books. I love to read. I love information. So wherever I am in life, I seek out books on the subject and pore over them, calming myself that I am not the only one who has traveled this road, and hopefully finding some answers to make the journey a little easier. Consequently, we have many, many titles on hand for nearly every phase of parenting.

It should come as no surprise, then, that my bookcase is like a mini-scrapbook of my life, reflecting the various stages I have already passed through as well as some on hand for the future. Case in point, "The Girlfriends Guide to Toddlers" shares a shelf with "Your Girl: A Bible Study for Mothers of Teens", "The Mission of Motherhood", and "Making Your Children Mind Without Losing Yours".

As she looked on a jam packed book shelf for the concordance last night, it was the titles "I Refuse To Raise a Brat" and "Parenting The Fussy Baby and High Need Child" that Cassidy took offense to, however. Sorry to say, we have been there and done that! Moving right along to "Dateable" and "Raising a Spiritually Sound Daughter", ugh, these topics make sleeping through the night look easy!

Cailin

2010-05-24T09:57:00.000-02:00

She is beautiful, with a smile that lights up a room.
She awakens with a smile, ready to face the world.
She is easy going, unless you are her sister and you touch her things. Then she is a special kind of crazy.
She loves her friends, her dog, and laughter.
She is completely present when she is with you, and makes you feel important.
She isn't easily swayed by others opinions, but is very teachable when coached or disciplined.
She has the tenacity of a pit bull and pushes the boundaries constantly.
She has a natural sweetness that balances the pit bull and keeps her mother from insanity.
She loves field hockey, theater, gymnastics, horse back riding, and (recently) doing her hair and makeup.
She is fiercely independent and will try anything. Except tomatoes.
She loves to sing and surprises with a big voice from such a tiny body.
She is always the shortest one in any group. She is ok with that.
She loves her Nana and Papa. Fiercely.
Her hugs are not for the timid.
She loves as she lives, with her whole heart.
She is my baby girl. My rock star. The one who made me a Mommy.
And now she is a teenager and I am crying. Because she lights up my world and I want the days to slow down.

Hair Daze

2010-05-11T09:07:00.000-02:00

Only a preteen would set her alarm for 4:30 a.m. to curl her hair.

Her 40 year old mother wishes she hadn't heard the same alarm. A pony tail will work just fine for her, thank you very much!

Working Myself Out of a Job

2010-05-10T09:13:00.001-02:00

An acquaintance told me last week that while Rusty's gift to me of a weekend away was fabulous, she herself could never have actually gone.

She explained that she "just couldn't leave her children" , she had never been away from them, and she just wouldn't enjoy herself.

Her insinuation was that she was a more devoted mother, but "good for me for being able to think of my own sanity and get away".

It made me laugh, because even though I missed the girls, I also knew they were as cherished with Daddy as they are with me.

They love their time together as much as I enjoy being recharged by my solitude by the ocean.

More importantly though, my job as a mother is to teach my children how to live without me, to guide them into loving, capable adults
who are able to thrive outside the safe nest of our home.

Do I like my job description? NO!

I have a lump in my throat even typing this.

However, disliking the objective doesn't change it.... my responsibility as their Momma is to prepare them for independent life.

I look at their confidence and ability to make choices on their own,

and I realize I am succeeding.

I am working myself out of the only job I love.

The New 30?

2010-05-08T17:33:00.001-02:00

Rusty surprised me last Friday.

He sent me away, with a precious friend, for a weekend of pampering and relaxation.

He made reservations at a hotel he knew I had been eager to visit.

He gave me an envelope of cash for tipping ... things he always does for me and knew would fluster me.

Another envelope held spending money for a shopping trip on the way to the beach.

He programmed my GPS so I could focus on laughing and not getting lost.

He made sure we would visit the spa, which was an easy sell for both of us.

When we returned he had cleaned the house, even the floors.

Dinner was waiting, and everyone survived. (Except the bird... let's not talk about that.)

40 really is fabulous.

I love this girl. She gets me.

We laughed the entire trip. Well, except for the tunnel under the bay portion. Then we prayed.

Alone at the top of the hotel enjoying my Bible study in solitude. God is so good.

This was my view while I was spending my time with God... 21 stories in the air. Breathtaking.

So another milestone has come and gone, and I survived.

Not only survived, but marked it with an exclamation point, and with a friend who will help me remember it forever.

Too Much To Absorb

2010-04-16T01:16:00.000-02:00

Milestones. Big ones and small ones. We seem to be in the midst of a flurry of them.

Such is the life of a momma, one big moment after another, with lots of tiny changes thrown in like sand between the boulders. The big moments are noted on the calendar, but the smaller ones are captured on my heart.

Unforgettable

2010-04-13T09:44:00.000-02:00

Time is flying by. How can it be a month since I have written? Life has happened, I have had thoughts to journal, but why didn't I take the time? Maybe because so much that has happened has been too mundane to record, too painful to dwell on, or too hectic to remember by the time I had a second?

That pretty much sums up life, though doesn't it? We are so consumed with living and dreaming of our goals that we forget the life we live day in and out, boring, hectic or painful, is what it really is all about. Worth remembering regardless of what it includes.

I hope I remember the last month... the rebirth of the trees and grass, the struggle of major decisions for our family, the utter chaos of four sports and only two parents. I hope I will remember the moments I felt God holding me and reassuring me, or those times when I was sure I really got it right as the Mom, and even the times I completely missed it. I pray that the memory of the arms of friends holding me and praying is etched into my heart, to be recalled for strength when darkness comes again.

Most of all I hope I remember that God has never left my side, and promises He never will.

My Window To The World

2010-03-17T10:59:00.002-02:00

Dishes stacked high.

Not perfect beauty, but

beautiful to me.

A reminder of dinner filled with laughter

and my family.

A morning of getting the kitchen back in order,

washing dishes, folding laundry... solitude.

This window is where I view much of my world.

As I wash dishes the deer graze, birds flutter by,

and in the summer I have the perfect shot

of Rusty manning the grill

and making funny faces at me as I supervise.

Above this window hangs a sign saying:

"It's a Wonderful Life"

It sure is.

Text From The School Bus This Morning

2010-03-17T10:30:00.000-02:00

From my 12 year old who just left for school 20 minutes ago...

"Hey ,there's a guy with hand cuffs and a mask near the CVS. I think Mr. Beasely (the bus driver) is calling the police."

Niiice.

Glimpses of Home

2010-03-12T13:03:00.002-02:00

Home. The place I most love to be. This is my haven, this is where I belong. I pray that my girls will look back at the houses they lived in, and find the common denominator to be love and security, even more than the decorations and home improvement projects we are always embracing.

But if there is one material image they will associate with home, I think it will be this chair, my "comfie chair". It was our first purchase as newlyweds, and beyond our budget, except for my discount as the in store designer, working at my first job out of college to support us while Rusty finished his degree. I will never forget how proud we were to special order a piece of furniture. We were so young and innocent, playing grown up it seemed.

This chair and ottoman have moved to 5 homes in the last 17 years, and no matter where we've lived, it has been my "home spot". Every morning finds me perched here with a soft blanket, my sweet tea, and stacks of Bible study materials, as well as my daily notebook to jot down my to do list for the day and week.

This is where I carried the girls from bed, and cuddled with them- both- every morning until we could no longer all squeeze in together (not so long ago, actually!). It is where they still come, one at a time now, on Saturday mornings and climb beside me as they slowly come to life. They know when they awaken, this is where I will be, and I hope it says "home" to them, just as it does to me.

For more glimpses of home, visit Emily at Chatting at the Sky.

**I have to admit the flip flops with paint on them will also probably shout "home" to them in their memories. They tried to replace them with some lovely new under armour ones, but I just can't give up my oldies yet!**

Ladies, Start Your Engines

2010-03-11T10:23:00.003-02:00

This picture has nothing to do with anything

except to remind me of sweet, relaxing days in the sunshine.

I hear the peepers in the yard, which means spring is really going to come. It also means the snakes will come, since peepers are a tasty snake snack, but I am trying really hard to squelch that thought. Squelching is my primary coping skill, much to Rusty's delight, because otherwise

incessantly asking him for reassurance is my second choice.

So I am denying the existence of slithery wildlife in my yard, and trying to focus instead on the joy of the birds chirping, the longer sunny days, the gentle breezes, and lots of quality time in the car.

Yep, in the car, because that is where spring will find me.

Shuttling girls from soccer, to field hockey, to lacrosse, to theater.

We dropped what felt like a small fortune

on new cleats, sticks, balls, shin guards, socks,

and stick bags and I am now planning lots of portable meals,

so we won't spend what is left of our 401K on meals out.

Have mercy- I hope the girls like wraps!

Since tonight is the first practice of the season (lacrosse),

today is my kick off day. I am loading the van with my mom chair

(the new deluxe model I got last year that has a cup holder and a flip up table for my sweet tea- woohoo),

a rubbermaid container with homework essentials

so we can do schoolwork between practices,

blankets, extra snacks, trash bags, and lots of paper towels.

At this stage of parenting I feel like I have regressed to my diaper bag days,

although now it is a Lands End's jumbo canvas bag

stuffed to overflowing with travel necessities and extra jackets.

All this preparation has become a springtime rite of passage, like turning forward the clocks Saturday night, and I am almost as excited as the girls. Running into friends and their moms at Play It Again Sports, we are all in the same stage of readiness, swapping Parks & Rec horror stories, guessing at sizes, and lamenting the chaos about to take over.

But we really don't mind, it is the tween Mom version of sleeping through the night and labor stories. Every phase of parenting provides fodder for commiseration and encouragement, and this stage provides lots of shared time on the sidelines, sharing sunscreen and crazy tales

of minivans filled with fast food wrappers and water bottles.

I frequently smile, as I swoop into a parking lot already filled with minivans and SUV's,

and see the other moms and kids tumbling out, loaded down and rushing to make it to the field on time, thinking how blessed I am to be a member of this Mom club, at every age.

So come on Spring, bring it on!

This is my season to shine and I'm ready to play!

Here Comes The Sun

2010-03-04T10:41:00.003-02:00

The sun is shining

and grass is peeking through

after weeks and weeks of snow.

I loved the endless days home with them...
And being trapped in this...
But the sun is shining
and now I'm ready for spring.
Our first winter in our new home
was certainly memorable ,
and I'm hoping the spring will
be just as fun!

Love, love, love, love....

2010-02-22T17:06:00.004-02:00

Every time I sit down to write about what I love, I keep hearing that song that is always done in rounds at church camps, "Love, love,love, love... the gospel in one name is Love. Love your brother as your neighbor (or is is it love your neighbor as your brother? That would make more sense, wouldn't it? But I am song lyric challenged. Big time. So who knows?) Anyway, here I sit, thinking of what I love and humming that song, and ready to share the love, so here we go...

20. I love the Christian theater group Cailin is in and the friends she has there. It is such a positive experience for her, and the shows are so impressive. Sometimes I forget what a blessing it is for her to be able to enjoy theater and learn so much in an environment that is also Christian and filled with like minded families. Love it!

21. I love seeing Cassidy try new things and discover her own gifts and talents. I think it is so easy for a little sibling to feel over shadowed, particularly by a sister so close to your own age, and this has been a sticky spot for awhile around our household. So it is particularly thrilling for me to see Cassidy trying her own sports, and doing well at them. I can't believe I, the one who refused to play anything even remotely athletic lest I break a sweat (ugh- what a priss I was!) have a daughter who enjoys riding, gymnastics, field hockey, and now lacrosse. Love it!

22. I love seeing our family grow and continue to be "better". I know that sounds weird, but I really think we are constantly evolving as parents and spouses, and it seems like some days we really "get it". I love being married to a man who is willing to try harder, and he inspires me to strive to improve and make our life the best it can be. I love that even though life is good, we both truly want it to be even better and realize we only have one shot to get this right. I love being able to do this life with him and with the girls. Love it!

Love Day 19

2010-02-19T13:27:00.004-02:00

I love our shih tzu Sadie.

I love that she is spunky and energetic, and that if she wants your attention she demands it. I love that she is such a goof ball that she climbs in the dishwasher when the door is warm so she can snuggle there, or laps up the water if it is cool. She's a mess.

I love that she is always happy to see Rusty, and that if he holds her and I try to hug him she pushes me away with her paws and tries to kiss him herself. I think Rusty loves all the blondes fighting over him- HA!

I really do love my little buddy, pain though she may often be,

she is sweet and comical,

and adds so much to our family.

Still love...

2010-02-18T11:17:00.002-02:00

17. I love the day stretching out in front of me, full of potential, available to spend however I choose. It won't take long to fill those hours with work, cleaning the house, running errands and an evening backstage at Cailin's dress rehearsal, but for now it is a clean slate.
I love the anticipation of what this day will hold.

18. Being the Mommy and wife of this family. I love the trivial moments that meld together to create the pattern of our days... kissing their cheeks and noses until they stir in the morning, rubbing a back to coax them some more, and then finally letting Sadie paw at them until they can't hide the grin and admit defeat- they are awake.

I love end of the day snuggling and prayers before I squeeze in some alone time with Daddy. I love those last sleepy conversations and wish I could linger, but morning comes too soon. I love the rituals and knowing that as soon as I leave Cassidy, she will expect Bunny ( aka Daddy) to hop past her door, awaiting an invitation in. I love that they both demand this silly game, even though she is 11, because it is "theirs" and tradition is everything to them both.

Love Day 16

2010-02-16T12:50:00.002-02:00

This quote by Mother Theresa, found here:

Start by making your own home a place where happiness and love abound,

through your love for each member of your family

and for your neighbor.

Try to put in the hearts of your children a love for home.

Make them long to be with their families.

So much sin could be avoided if our people really love their homes.

Love Day 15

2010-02-15T12:01:00.004-02:00

OK, now I am 9 days behind... and Blogger, once again, won't let me download

pictures. Or is it upload? I always forget, but whatever.

No pictures. So here we go:

5. My sweet shih tzu puppy Sadie.

She is pure energy and love. And kisses.

6. Real friends, and knowing the

difference between them and acquaintances.

7. Homemade chicken pot pie for dinner,

and the joy of cooking for my family each night.

It is a chore, for sure, but I try to remember the blessing it is

to have abundant food and a family to share it with.

8. A husband who is always on my side

and ready to go to bat for me,

sometimes even when I don't need it:-)

9. A furnace that is repaired and a cozy home.

Hopefully a (much!) reduced electric bill

to go along with it.

10. A Bible study of diverse

women who are quick to pray

and slow to judge.

11. The privilege and responsibility

of raising two godly young women.

I don't know how God ever deemed me worthy of this task,

except that He knows it will all be through His strength,

and not my own.

12. Seeing glimpses of the women

they will be, and being overwhelmed with gratitude

for their hearts.

13. 30+ inches of snow that forced

us to slow down, and left a wonderland of beauty

that I am still enjoying.

14. Confidence in the decisions

we have made for our family,

and peace, even as others question them.

15. What I love most today, at this moment,

is the knowledge that God loves me...

right where I am. He isn't

waiting for me to be perfect, or even trying to be.

He just loves me and accepts me.

What's not to love about that?

Love

2010-02-04T10:31:00.005-02:00

Deirdre has such a great idea, to spend the month of February dwelling on things we love, that I just have to join in. Since I am 4 days late to the party, I guess I will have a longer list today, which is fine by me since I seem to love so many things!

(One thing I don't love... blogger and the inability to post pictures consistently. Grrr! Now that is un-lovable!)

1. We love because He first loved us. 1John 4:19

I don't know what it is like to live without the peace of knowing I can go into the presence of God at any time, and be accepted and embraced, and I am so thankful to have been raised in a home that shared that truth with me from an early age.
I pray that my life is an example of that love, and that it is especially evident in my home, with my own precious children. I love the time I get to spend snuggled up with a blanket and my tea, surrounded by my studies and journal and Bible. There is no happier time or place in my day, and I am so thankful for those moments in His Presence.

2. I love the sunrise peeking over the treetops in the morning, even though I'm really not a morning person. It always inspires me to want to wake up earlier... it's just the actual waking up part that is still my struggle!

3. I love seeing my girls after they have been away at school or a friends house... even when they wake up after sleeping in. It is like opening a Christmas present everytime I "get them back", and I look at their sweet faces with new appreciation. It amazes me that they will never grasp the depth of my love for them, at least until they are mothers themselves, and then maybe they will begin to understand.

4. I love knowing that I am married to a man who loves me more than himself, and sacrifices endlessly in an effort to bring joy to my life. He truly exemplifies love and inspires me to try harder.

I love "love". Thanks Deirdre for encouraging me to be thankful for all the love in my life!

Snow Days

2010-02-02T17:55:00.002-02:00

So far Snow Day #2 has held:

One doggie fashion show.
A cupcake decorating contest.
Several rounds of Wii band hero.
One Cake Boss episode, tivo'd for a day like today.
American Idol Dallas episode.
Homemade french bread pizzas and carrots for lunch.
3 friends playing in the snow.

Meanwhile I have been at work in my office, getting caught up on paperwork since I can't travel.

Not a bad day.

The Desire of my Heart

2010-01-28T16:31:00.002-02:00

One of my favorite verses in the Bible, selfish as it sounds, is the one about God "giving us the desires of our heart". Not because I think He has a magic wand, waving my whims and desires into reality, but because I believe He "gives me" the desires of my heart, as in, plants them in my heart so I will know which dreams to follow to be on His perfect path for my life. I think it also means that when my desires line up with what He desires for me, they come to fruition, and my life is blessed. So I love this verse, this proof that God has my heart on His mind.

I struggle with it though, because my greatest desire, my only real dream, is to be a stay at home mom. Oh, sure, I would also love to home school, flip houses and travel with my family, but the only burning desire I have had for the last 12 years is to be home with my daughters. Admittedly, as a working Mom I am exceedingly blessed, since I work from a home office and have a flexible schedule. When the girls were little I had a sitter who came to my house 3 days a week so they were still in their own home with their own things, and she was with us for 7 years. There is no doubt that God provided and blessed our situation, and I give Him so much praise!

Yet, as good as it is, it still is not the desire of my heart. I have struggled over the years, first faulting my husband for not wanting it as much as I do, then faulting us both for wanting more than his income provided for, then faulting myself for being ungrateful when I was so, so, very blessed already. But the reality is that noone is at fault, the facts are the facts. Rusty was a teacher, and no amount of sacrifice would have provided us with life in our area on his salary. Moving wasn't an option, we felt called to be here, and so I have learned to accept that God is using our situation, and blessing us despite the less than my-ideal circumstances.

I still pray, asking God to allow this change in our life, but truthfully, now that my girls are in school, it doesn't make much difference in their lives. I am home when they are, albeit exhausted from spending 5 hours in a car per day, shuttling to clients over 2 states, skidding back home in time to meet the bus. On the days I'm not back in time Papa greets them, and the time together is a special treat. Everyone is fine, except for me with the hurt in my heart from not being in my favorite place on earth- my home. But I have accepted that this is the life we have lived, and it is such a full and wonderful one that it must have still fallen into the plan God had for us.

My working has allowed Rusty to stay in the field we feel he is called to, and minister to kids as he was by coaches and teachers. He has been able to give back some of what saved him, and make a difference. I am so proud of him, and honored to have been a part of his journey. But sometimes I will read something on a blog, or have a conversation with someone who stays home, and a sharp pain will pierce my heart. The pain of truly not having the desire of my heart, and trying to reconcile that with the heart so full of love for the life I have led instead.

Good Reading

2010-01-25T11:25:00.006-02:00

I grew up with my parents reading "Organic Gardening", which, trust me, in the 70's was unique. Most of my friends parents read "Southern Living" and "Redbook", so I found my parents unbelievably weird. However, what they say, is, in fact, true, and I have become my mother and love all things organic and healthful. I also adore beauty and cooking and decorating, so I was thrilled to stumble onto this magazine last summer. I love everything about it, and keep a copy in the car at all times, to have handy for reading at the bus stop / practice / rehearsal/ orthodontist appointments. It is one of those magazines that makes me feel more virtuous for reading, even if I haven't implemented a single thing, I feel better for just knowing:-)

The only good thing about being sick, in my book ,(no pun intended) is the opportunity to relax, guilt free, and read a fictional book from beginning to end with no interruptions. So while the girls and I recovered from strep this weekend, I took full advantage and picked up "The Help", which I had been hearing so much about.

Several friends had recommended it, praising it as a late night page turner, and it didn't disappoint! I loved the story, first of all, because I enjoy any fiction set in the south. This South, however, was far different from any I have ever known, and it was very hard for me to reconcile the aspects which I know are true (racism, maids in every white house, segregation) with life as I have known it. It's hard to believe how different our world is now from the early 60's, and I am so grateful that I didn't live in that time and have to see the blatant unfairness of life for people solely because of the color of their skin. I think this is a book everyone would enjoy, and I am eager for this author's next book (this was her first).

On a completely different note, I am loving this book in my daily quiet time. Oh my goodness, it is chock full of fabulously helpful nuggets on creating a Christian home. There is truly nothing on earth that matters to me more than the little people we are raising in this household, and I seem to have a never ending stack of parenting and marriage books by my bed at all times. This one, however, is at the top of the stack! It is so good, in fact, that I am having it spiral bound (Kinko's $4.50 by the way, and my first stop with every Beth Moore study book) so I can mark it up and refer back to it more easily. Love, love, love it, and think every family should have it to offer encouraging and godly counsel on the foundation of a Christian home.

I love it because it is anecdotal, biblically based, and NOT dry. I'm not a fan of the deep, dry stuff, but adore real life God loving advice, and this is full of it. Another benefit I have found in it, is that I find myself pausing to actually pray specific things for our family as I read it, triggered by the scriptures used throughout. Really good stuff.

So there you have it. A few of the things shaping my world these days. There is a steady hum of rain on the skylight above my head, the perfect day to curl up with another book, if I only didn't have to work today!

I'm Dreaming...

2010-01-02T13:21:00.004-02:00

I don't really write resolutions, but I do journal my hopes and goals for the new year (I know- that's what resolutions are, but if I don't call them that then I don't feel so bad if I don't follow through!).

As this years list was getting longer and longer, I realized I may not be "hoping" for success as much as "dreaming". If I (by some 21st century miracle) meet my self imposed challenges by the end of 2010, I will be an absolutely amazing person, albeit probably ostracized by my friends.

Not only will I be thinner, but I also will be a better and more consistent cook, preparing all meals with organic and locally grown whole foods that have never touched plastic, shop only with a list for items that fit our new and religiously adhered to budget, be patient with my children, whom I will be playing more board games and reading aloud to on a regular basis, while we all serve the community on a consistent basis, in the spare time we have left over from our newly recommitted family devotional time.

Since I will also be finishing everything I start, my house will be painted, toys and clothes purged and taken to goodwill, thank you notes current, bathroom and kitchen renovated, scarf completed, and next years Christmas cards actually mailed instead of dreamed of . My pictures will be printed out and scrap booked instead of languishing online year after year, and I will also finally frame current pictures of the girls to replace the toddler ones, no longer appreciated by my pre-teens.

Whew! Just writing this out has made me tired. I think I need a nap. Which is good, since when I am sleeping is clearly the only time these dreams will come true. Oh well, Happy New Year anyway!

We Made It To mIdnight

2010-01-01T15:15:00.004-02:00

We have some friends who are so dear to us that "friends" doesn't do justice to our relationship, so instead we refer to one another as our chosen family. Although we aren't related by birth, we certainly are related by our shared faith and love for one another!

We have so many fun memories with the Brammer's, and New Year's Eve is one of our annual traditions, that we look forward to throughout the year. 2009 didn't disappoint, as we laughed our way into the new year amidst noisy, sugared-up children and their equally hyped parents thanks to some red bull energy drinks!).

The Boys

The Kids ages 9, 12, 11, and 6
The Girls, blogging and facebooking each other, side by side.

My Favorite People on Earth

I am so blessed. I can't wait to see what 2010 holds.

Fair Warning

2009-11-30T13:26:00.004-02:00

Circled in the Hearthsong Christmas catalog, with this note: "Look out Cailin."

This one will definitely be under the tree. Consider yourself warned, Cailin! (But there may just be two under the tree ...)

Merry Christmas!